it is just my thought that are running throw my head that i cant let go and why? i cant let them go.
i sit here in front of this computer and wonder why? WHY my life is so shity at the moment . i understand that i have lost everything in the past and now i have nothing at all .BECAUSE i am a sex offender, no one wants me around them or their kids because of it , it is hard to find a place because of it, icant find a job because of it, my own flesh and blood dont want me around because of it, i cant see my girls or be around them because of it,  i cant  support myself because of it , i have to lie, steal , because of it, this is worse then death itself . i sit and think why , why me , why do i have to go throw so much pain , why do i have to live like this, why cant  god  just take my life, why do i sit here and think about all this , why do i have to let go of everything that love and care about . i sit here and think about my family,my girls. i cant run away from all this every place or every person that come across me makes me think about my life that i wanted to have . i look out and see kids coming home from school and wish i was their to see my own girls coming home to me . when i go out  looking for a job and see couples togetheir that make me think what did i do wrong ? everyone says to me dont worry your time will come but you know my life will never be .   

i have no idea what to say about all this . i know now if was not the best choose to move in with my x girlfriend at first i was happy because i could be around my zoya . i have learn alot from her i just wish that she will just  forgive me and talk to me i never did her wrong in my eyes all i did is love her the way she wanted to be love. as a friend, a brother, and a father. it is not up to me no more to say anything, she but me out of her life just like her mother and now i cant even see,hold , or tell her i how truely that i am sorry . i miss her smiles, laughter, and her playness, as will as her.i know it wont be the same way no more she will not speak to me or want to see me just because me and her mother clota are not togetheir . just to let her know i will always be here for you zoya .you and your sister zara. just call upon me and i will show up. I LOVE YOU AND I DO MISS YOU  

their is time when you cant take no more shit from anyone and yesterday was one of them for me . i tryed so much to get back with my one true love but she says that i dont make her happy ,she lost her trust in me when i went online to play a game with other poeple ,yes i do admit i put a ad on craigslist but i never plan to go out and find someone else all it is and was a game to me i had my fun . clota lynn wilkerson just gave up on me, i never gave up on her. i allways stood right beside her ,yes i got upsat or mad her and i just left her alone but that never stop my love for her and right now i still do love her but she need to grow up and stop being a bitch to me.  she wont listen to me and now she got my  oldest girl  zoya aggest me she dosent want to talk to me she dont want to hear my side or nothing . so the best thing for me is just let her go let her live without a daddy from now on. i know it sounds like i just gave up but no i have not i will still be here for her and love her as much as i do. and when she is ready for me then i will be their for her. not until she comes to me. my door will be open to her and zara. i love you both and i miss you .

i lived 20 yrs to find the right woman for me and when i did and  yes it was all fun and games at first but i got heart and feeling toward her so i made it clear she is mine and no one is going to get in the way of me haveing her .yes i feel in love with her more ways then one .will i was a bitch ,a shit hole , SOB,toward her but i love her . it took 8 yrs in prison to really open my eyes that this is the woman , my soul mate, my life, my love, my heart , my flesh, she very part me that keep me alive and going  so what say is if she deads i will dead .after 8 long years i get out , after i hear her saying she moved on and dont want to be with me ,and that she has found some one else.i was walking out those doors that keep me in for so long  i was just now walking out i look up and see the most beautiful woman in front of the line and a child that i dream of meeting for the first time . i stood there for a second looking at them . as i walk down to them i can see my baby grow up from that last time i seen her in that crib. while i went home with them to austin tx, i told her i changes and i did change for the good but something happen  to me to make me go back being that cold hearted person .and yes it was toward the woman that i love . she just got to me and that all start with her being lazy , selffish, greedy, i was a slave to her waitting on hand and feet for her. while a whole year come by we had our ups and downs allways bitching at one another said i got mad up set , anger and it was all because of her she made me turn back to be asshole , SOB. a motherfucker. but i love her k\no matter what she through mat me i care for her every need .will it is 1 year and 16 days i been out and i find out on the internet that she broke up with me will today i try to talk to her i get back with for not for myself but for our girls
yes i lied to her and i did it  i put the blame on someone that i should have did but i was mad her . i do have problems but they can be over looked. i know she dont love or even cared for she just want me to be there for our kid she never wanted me to be around but it happen when she got pregent again . i love her know matter what she says or does just to let her know that there is no other that will love her more then anything , just like the songb says truely madly  deeply just list to it  please

i get pictures of every one else but my zoya  why is that ? i would like to see my other daughtor too not just zara god fucking damn

the last follow days i been trying to get a job and i have not found one right now because of my crime. it seems that no one will give me a second change to life. even people that i dont even know say that i am not right to take care or watch a lot of teenager that know what is right and wrong ,i feel like i am not wanted by anyone everyone look at me as a badman .but anyways i was told 2 days ago if i keep the house clean that  i can stay that is what pays for the room and board for me, , i can say i have  been busting my ass to keep the house clean and whatever else i need  to  get done around here. will today i been out back cleaning up and trying to make it look good for however goes back there to sit outside . i made it my way of living here i get up every morning at 530 am to get ready so i can get out before it gets to hot and go out look for a job i stat out about 3 to 4 hours aday .then i come back here and start to clean up around here i feel like i am the maid ,slave, whatever you want to call it

i spend 8 year in prison waitting to get out to see my family clota and zoya and when i get out i got to get back with them and ispend all this time trying to do the right thing by her side and she goes and say something like she trying to break up with me just because we are in other towns because of some bull shit that the CPS has made us be apart from one another and she goes off and say something like that i really dont understand her. i am here in austin try to get our and i said our life together by spending all my time looking for a fucking job, a place that will come in handy in the futur. but no she just thinks that i just dont want to talk to her she just dont understand that i wake up at 5 and go looking for one and come home tired and then i run around with my roommateor with  his daugther because she dont have a real DL just a parment to drive around with. 8 fucking years i thought about her i fucking cryed in my sleep for her i fuck up so meaning people in prison because of her mean letters that i got from her and she put it like that . if you did not want to be with me you should never came and  pick me up went i got out of prison and if you have found some one else  clota  and hope you have not because i will break every bone in his body  

 i look in the shodows for anwers and i come up with nothing but sorrows, hurt heart breaks and saddness. i jujst woke up for a dream that made cry. it si all about my life me looseing everything in my life from day one. i have nothing no family , no one i can touch ,feel , or even say good night to . i need some one i can at least huge ,kiss, say i love you but i dont have no one here to ,as for my family my mom and my dad has nothing to do with me because i got lock up for a sex crime and they dont give a shit about my it gose the same for my sisters lanelle, faye, barbie jo .so if you see it all i am on my own throw out like a dog that has flies. there is no one that will take me in. i have lost everyone that i care for includeing clota she think i am leaving her and turning gay and as for my little girls zoya and zara. they dont really know what is happening soi still have them but they are so far away the i cant see them or talk to them hold in my arms i cant even say good night and kiss them on the head what about i miss you love you nothing that hurt me more then anything i should just say i give up and kill myself there is no hope in me more closer i get the far away i have to go so i made up my mind death is the key no one will miss me no one will even care for me so that is that .  

 i sit here thinking of my two beautiful girls and wish they where here with me and i am in there life at the moment in time . i  am as sad is the weather that dont even  want to rain or give us a nice cool day . i become weak at the thought of not be able to see my little girls grow up in this hateful world .it feels like i would never be around  my little girl  in this world of time . they dont even know me as a father  to them i come and go in there life. when is the circle ever going to end for me  or when is it going to break the curse that it has over me .   .